Thoughts while I was away...

AYYYYYY, sorry I've been down and out for the last couple weeks.  I had an infestation of minorities at my place of residence and had to have it fumigated.  I will make up for my absence with some rollicking good posts soon.  In the mean time, my mind was racing while I was away and I thought I would share some of those thoughts...

• An extremely fat woman with a regular sized head is much more ridiculous looking than it sounds
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• Hoodlums enjoy a nice game of backgammon every once in a while.
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• Whoever came up with "beating around the bush" needs to "beat" themselves.
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• Hoodie Allen:  Terrible name, worse artist.
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• You don't want to know where popcorn chicken comes from.
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• If I see another tweet about the weather, how stressed you are, or anything alcohol related, I will shit on your doorstep, then delete my twitter.
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• You have to be from a poor family to be a good rapper.
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• Candy Canes should exist year round.
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• If I call you a bitch, you are most likely a bitch.
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• It'd be kinda fun to be a polar bear
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• Blue is the new red
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• Jeremy Lin is not that Linsane
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• Shia Labeouf is the actor of our generation
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• Johnny Depp is quite strange, but in a good way
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• Whenever I see or hear Snooki, I think of this video:

So that's what's rattling around inside my brain.  Now please excuse me while I kiss the sky.

My date with an older woman

If I told you I laughed the night away playing UNO with an older woman last night, would you believe me? How about if I told you this older woman was a good 60 years older than me?

Well it's true. The story starts with me. I'm an asshole. I was playing a nice game of UNO online and heard talking. It was the person I was playing with. She sounded like a dumb trashy woman with a southern draw. She was talking about soup and breadsticks from Olive Garden. Now I love Olive Garden as much as the next person, but we all know its a place where middle class old people go for their early bird specials. Every time this woman talked, I thought of witty retorts I could bark back at her until I finally put a microphone on my head and talked back.

I said something rude to her. Really rude. Unfortunately for me, she didn't hear and just said "hello?" I started making fake small talk, telling her I play UNO all day long. She turned out to be the nicest woman I've ever met via the internet. She wouldn't play her "draw 2" cards on me, she was asking what colors I needed, she told me about her husband's days in the Navy during World War II.....WAIT WHAT?!?

Yeah, this woman's husband was in WWII, she had grandkids in their late 20s and lived in Florida. Me and Sandra shared jokes and stories until the wee hours of the night (I think it was her bedtime around 8), when she thanked me for being so kind and for playing with her. It left a warm feeling in my heart. I slept so well just knowing that I had made a friend.

How I picture Sandra


The best part of this whole event? I know I've done my good deed for the year, so I can go on being an asshole for the next 364 days :)

The saddest song in the world.

Yeah, there are many sad songs. I'm sure you all have that song that gets to you. I don't. But because the loyal AlbiCakes readers do and I need to appease them, I will tell you how I discovered the saddest song on the planet.

It all started 5 years ago. My brother was 9. We went on a cruise with my entire family. Me, my cousins, and my brother were sitting at a table at the late night cafe. We were all so happy that we could stay up till ridiculous hours of the night (it was probably 8). We order our food and all of a sudden 4 asian men dressed in tuxedos walk through the restaurant and start setting up instruments towards the back.

Before we know it, our food has arrived and music starts playing. The asian quartet is doing a beautiful rendition of "Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill. You know the one:



No one takes any notice to this. I mean who the fuck notices asians anyway unless they flock your place of business or you're trying to copy off them for a test.

We're all eating our meals, laughing the night away (but its probably only 8:15 at this point), until my cousin Fikus looks over at my brother Paste and stops.

"Are you crying...?"

The whole table turns. Sure enough, Paste is in tears.

"What the hell (it was probably heck) is fucking (this probably wasn't included) wrong with you?"

"This song.....its just....so....sad."

So ladies and gentlefolk, I give you, the most saddest song in the world.

Quadragesimarian, because I've yet to start an AlbiCakes post with 'Q'

While working on my memoirs late last night by candlelight, I stumbled across the word "quadragesimarian" and you can't just NOT write about it. After doing much sleuthing in the restricted section of the library, I discovered...


Quadragesimarian[quad-RAGE-fuck.it.i.cant.pronounce.this.shit]
--Noun, A person or object who observes lent.

A few concerns of mine...

First off, why the hell do those god damn crazy christians have to make up words. Why is a word even required for this situation. What about one who observes Christmas? Hannukah? Presidents day? Martin Luther King?

Second, I dont want to hear anyone calling themselves a quadragesimarian unless they aren't eating for the full 40 days of lent. Seriously, if you can't take the pain, you shouldn't be in the game.

Finally, if you're so self-righteous to give yourself a title that no one else can pronounce, you deserve to be burned at the stake.

That said, please enjoy the rest of your day fam.

"It's something I wish"

In one of the more friendly AlbiCakes posts you will probably ever see, I require this puppy. Right now.

Urban Dictionary Word of the Day

Today's word of the day is my Monday through Thursday. Don't get me wrong, I love being clean and fresh, but when I go to class, I could care less what the 500 asians think of me. 2 squirts of cologne, some deodorant, a piece of gum, and a fresh t-shirt...

**NOTE: I do not condone mexican showers as they will leave you smelling like a dirty mexican with too much cologne on. You have been warned.

All the AlbiCakes Word of the Days can be found here.

Public Service Announcement

We are no longer using the word 'Hither' in society. It looks too much like 'Hitler' and you wouldn't want people thinking you HATE THE JEWS, would you?? That mistake could burdon you and prevent you from getting jobs etc. Instead of 'Hither' we will use 'ere deer,' such as "C'Mere Deer!" Please make note of this in your personal dictionaries and iPhones.