Born and raised in West Philadelphia, Albi spent most of his days on the playground chillen out and relaxing, even playing some basketball. Finally his mom got sick of the fighting, forcing him to move in with his aunt and uncle in a small neighborhood outside of Los Angeles. He got out of the cab, he was finally there, to write up his blog, you can read if you dare.
Contact: albi@albicakes.com
Keen J. got his pilots license at the age of 8 and a half. It was revoked a day later after they found out he was using it as part of an illegal firework smuggling business. He later considered a career in the army; unfortunately they didn't consider him. He decided it was time to get away and tell the world about our corrupt society. He needed a partner in crime and that is where he met Albi. Stirred together, seasoned properly, and then baked in a 350 degree oven for exactly 32 minutes, AlbiCakes was born!
Contact: talktokevin@albicakes.com
At the age of 3, Da Jenkins started a very promising career in modeling. Unfortunately, there was a severe snowplow accident and his picture-perfect face was never the same. After 18 long months locked up in his basement, living off of only haterade and chex-mix, he finally emerged and needed a place to publish his insights. After being deemed "insane" by Popular Mechanics, Da took his works to the only place that would listen, and joined the AlbiCakes team.
Contact: da@albicakes.com
Kal V. Warsh is the newest team member of AlbiCakes. He was found in the bottom of a sewer wearing nothing more than a scarf around his neck and a sign that said "If you have coke, my body is all yours." After taking him back to the lab and analyzing him, along with treating him for rabies and multiple STDs, we came to the conclusion that his babble was slightly entertaining and that in a world filled with geniuses, someone needs to be a dumbass. He became the perfect fit and put the icing on the cake.
Contact: Our top scientists are still in the process of teaching Kal how to use a computer, please check back soon.
Nickingham Jasper Lux was born in a small bush in the middle of the Sahara Desert. He was raised by elephants and camels and they were key to his survival in the hot summers. After multiple bomb tests went off in the area, Rux was found by government officials, green from the radiation he had undertaken. The government assumed he was of an alien species and sent him for testing at a US facility in panama. Coincidentally, it was the same facility where Kal was undergoing tests. The two made friends by exchanging african tongue clicks, and retarded babble. When Kal hit a low point in his life, he loudly sounded his Pterodactyl call and Rux came to the rescue. Armed with a pen and specialty imported cake mix, a new AlbiCakes member was born.
Contact: Rux@albicakes.com
Klaus Von Waferstein was brought into life by a crack head's baby mamma. Since his mother was having enough trouble keeping herself alive, she figured Klaus would enjoy being brought into a home with good parenting and a high standard of living. With her short term memory being so bad, she ended up leaving him in a dumpster. Klaus was determined to move from his dumpster life and make a better situation for himself. He noticed something glowing in the sky and thought it was a sign, turned out it was just the sun and Klaus lost 99.9% of his eyesight. Using the grace of god, he found his way to heaven, although it actually just turned out to be the golden gates of the AlbiCakes headquarters. During a 25 hour operation, the staff at AlbiCakes was able to replace Von Wafer's eyes with those from a killer whale. As a token of gratitude for the operation, the surgery staff renamed him Pigskin and also stole one of his kidneys. Take that asshole! They threw him in the AlbiCakes basement with a pen and paper and told him to write until his hand falls off. That is where he remains and how he became the final ingredient of the famous family recipe.
Contact: Pigskin@albicakes.com
